More To Life Than Shoes

As my friends all go back to work, am I kidding myself that I can be a writer and a stay-at-home mum?

When I was pregnant, working from home seemed the perfect solution to the baby/job juggling act. I’ve always wanted to be a full-time writer, but for years I put off doing anything to make this happen, convincing myself I wouldn’t be able to make enough money from it. This was the perfect opportunity to finally give it a chance. As I imagined it, I’d be there all the time for Arthur when he was small but I’d write while he was sleeping. Because babies nap loads, right?

So I had no qualms about handing in my notice at work and confirming I wouldn’t be returning after my maternity leave.

Fast-forward to the present, Arthur is 6 months old and the reality of working from home at the same time as looking after a baby is starting to kick in. One by one, my mum-friends from my ante-natal class are going back to work. They’ve had their childcare sorted since the early weeks of their pregnancy, and although some of them are finding the transition to being a working mum hard, they’re also enjoying stepping back into their old professional identities.

“On my first day back,” my friend Akane told us, “it was strange to be typing using both hands and Hana not being on my lap!” And another mum, Eppie, found it tough leaving her son at nursery for the first time when she returned to her teaching job, but said, “it felt good to be back at school being me.” Zoe and her partner Ben have made the decision that he will give up his job and be a stay-at-home dad while higher-wage earner Zoe goes back to working as a doctor. Zoe has found this transition hard, “but it’s just something I’ve got to do,” she says.

Within a couple of months, I will be the only one of our group not back in the workplace. In some ways, that's great – I get to spend every day with Arthur. I know that many mums have to go back to work, even if they'd rather not, and I'm lucky not to be in that position. But it also makes me feel left out, and a little bit sad. I miss the laughs and excitement of a busy workplace, and I’m jealous of the freedom my friends will have to enjoy their working lives again.

I also find myself feeling defensive, perhaps even a little embarrassed when they talk about work. Will I be the boring one with no conversation apart from nappies and play-dates? Are my dreams of writing from home pie-in-the-sky wishful thinking?

In a way, I feel I’m facing as tough a challenge as those mums who have to balance their time at work with their time with their family. I’m going to have to motivate myself to find the time to write, to network, to stay connected to the professional world.

If I'm honest with myself, the prospect of another couple of years of being at home with my baby makes me feel rather lonely and a bit nervous. And those naps are already not turning out to be as reliable as I'd imagined.

I’m hopeful that I’ll find ways of coping with it – whether it’s connecting with other mums in the same situation or compromising with some form of childcare. Perhaps I'll end up finding a job that gets me out of the house at least some of the time. But I’m also going to make the best of the opportunity to make the balance work.